I felt a small pang of guilt yesterday, as I walked with my lil’ one by my side at the mall – to understand where I’m coming from, first I have to give you some perspective, a little background info. My lil’ one and I are on vacation visiting my parents, which as I’ve already mentioned before is a full month of fun and games for my daughter. A time to get what she wants at the drop of a hat, a time for her to explore her diva-ness and enjoy it, and a time to “try” to forget certain rules her mom insists on. Now, I’ve learnt to enjoy watching her loving these vacations – she lives away from her grandparents whom she adores, and it’s only fair to let her bask in their love and attention.
But, that certainly doesn’t mean that I forget the rules I’ve worked so hard instilling in her, the behavior I don’t negotiate with her. It takes forever to make her understand where I’m coming from with these rules, these days, we have to reason with our kids and use their own logic and thinking to lay down our lines and boundaries – gone are the days of “because I said so”. Which is why once she gets them I really don’t want her forgetting that they exist.
So anyway, my lil’ one hates feeling that she made me angry at her for whatever reason – she dreads the look of disappointment on my face when I show her that she’s done something I disapprove of. I love that she takes my feelings into consideration and I do try really hard not to take advantage of this, not use it against her at every moment.
But, yesterday, she was enjoying herself at the mall, playing with her grandma and aunt – aware of me watching her from afar. Every time she did something I didn’t like or approve of, I quietly gave her my “watch out” stare and she’d stop acting out, go back to behaving properly. Like I mentioned earlier, I felt guilty – was I taking away from her good time? Was I stomping over her fun and excitement by being the disciplinarian? Should I just let her have her vacation and turn the other cheek?
I don’t’ have the answers – as my lil’ one gets older, I just don’t have all the answers anymore. I learn everyday, sometimes I’d be grateful for direction and help. But, as I see all the ways my lil’ one makes me proud and happy, I know I’m doing something right. And those small pangs of guilt? I guess they come with the territory of being a mommy.